A FOOLISH BUT FUN DAY

I dropped Bob's letter in the mail, cleaned up, and put on one of the nice suits I had bought...suit and tie, and a hat like my Father wore.  I appraised myself in my full length mirror and I swear, I looked like somebody who was a real character, I looked like a well meaning, well dressed mis-fit.  I then looked in yellow pages of the phone book for realtors, and called one of them.  I gave them a story about how I was looking for a home in Glendale within several miles of Toll Jr. High.  The lady realtor was bubbling with enthusiasm and told me there were a number of homes in that area.  Then she asked me what price range and I said that money was no object.  She became even more friendly and asked me when I could come down to her office and she would take me around and show some homes. "I will be there in thirty minutes" I said.  I took another look at myself and drove the Hudson to Krotz Realty on Glenoaks.  I wondered about how she would relate my Hudson to "price is not a consideration"  comment.  As we drove, we established a raport of sorts and I made her laugh several times. Trouble is, I had not said anything.  All of the homes were vacant.  She first showed me a beautiful home on Mountain St. which ran in an East -West direction along the base of the Verdugo Hills.  She kept telling me things that were plainly obvious..like here is the kitchen, it has the tiled floor...I could tell it was a kitchen and I was walking on the tile floor.  "The tile floor"  she said.  Sounds better than a tile floor.  As this was a fun day for me, I decided to play the role of a slightly odd person in order to see if she could keep her smile and effervescence !  We came to one of the three bathrooms, and I went over to the toilet and got down on my knees and stuck my face down into the bowl and started sniffing.  I  looked up at her and she had lost her smile and had a rathere quizzical look. I asked " Can this toilet handle large objects"?   She was doing a good job at keeping her composure and said something like: " Well, I think I know what you mean and all I can say is there are no plumbing problems in this home."   I then told her a story about my father who had an operation for hemmorhoids and it damaged the anal spincter so when he had to go, he had to go.  "One night my Father had to go when he was near the Union Station Train Depot.  It got so bad, he parked in the parking lot and crapped in his hat and wiped with his tie....can you imagine what some one must have thought when they found it the next day" ?   She realized that she had to graciously get unhooked.  "Let me show you the rest of the house...what do you think of it so far"? she said.   "I really like it...it will be a cash sale when I find what I want."   She then asked:  Are you alone, or will there be family members...this has four bedrooms and three baths".  "I  am single, but there will be a number of ladies who will reside here..plus the Madam...."   That did it...she was as gracious as her emotions would allow, and said:  "Mr. Key, I don't want to offend you, but I cannot handle the way you act and talk; this time of looking is over..I will take you back to the office."   She asked me to sit in the back seat and we said nothing on the way back.  I decided to sing for her and made up a little ditty: "Oh the West was won by a roaring gun....by a roaring gun, the West was won"  I sang it over and over.  When we got back to the office, she opened her car door and ran into the office....leaving me sitting there.  I was doubled over with laughter.  This was fun, and I had a new hobby.   (to be continued)