STARS AND SOLITUDE

Bob and I had enjoyed a good meal, we watched the Sun set with its variety of colors....the painting of the pine tops in Orange...the rising shadows of darkness creep up the higher peaks until only the remnants of a growing bluish black was enfolding us.  A crescent Moon was coming into her own.  The scurrying creatures had found their places under bushes and the grand stage of the Universe was being set.  The darkness of night was here and the heavens were a white cloud of stars.  The Milky Way looked like the Almighty had finished His painting with a final sweep across the sky with His mighty hand.  The fire was dying a beautiful death.  The embers were glowing with a magic light.  Only an occasional finger of flame gave a dying breath and then died.  Bob and I were quite content to just sit on our log and just look deep into the glow.  The silence between us was understood and proper. Finally, I spoke and asked  "Bob, what do you think of your Father."?  He responded immediately as if his answer was spring loaded and wanting someone to ask.  "It's all mixed up....sometimes I really like him and sometimes I don't like him at all.  Sometimes I feel like a little bug under his microscope.  I do not feel accepted by him....he wants me to be someone he can brag about to others.  He wants me in his showcase.  He has been very generous to me...Sometimes when I spend the night with a friend, I hate to go home.  I wished my family was like my friend's family.  There is tension in our home, I am afraid that my Father will get mad at my Mother.  He never strikes her, he just yells,,,It is frightening.....my Mother never defends herself..its like she just covers up.  I love my Mother and I am afraid she will die....go off and leave me...I really don't feel like I know her...its like she has all these secrets that I will never know."    That was allot for me to take in and a thoughtful response was needed.  "Bob....I understand you....my Father was the same way...I remember one time when something happened and I ran out into the back yard promising myself I would never forgive him again.  When I got old, I not only forgave him, I revered him.  That was because I understood alot about him that I did not realize back when I was a kid.    I  would like you to think about his work day...He rides a bus all the way to downtown Los Angeles.  He is an accountant and pours over numbers for eight to ten hours a day. Many times he brings his work home with him in his thinking on how to reconcile certain discrepancies. He gets two days a week where he can relax.  He has done alot for you...think about all he has done for you..do you ever sit down with him and just visit?  Do you ever tell him you love him even if you don't feel that you do.  Sometimes love is covered up but comes to the surface when things like death comes.  You love him, you just don't feel it because your resentments covers it up.  Nobody is a perfect parent.  You almost have to be a parent in order to learn how to be a parent.  But, Bob, I do understand. "    Wanting to change the subject, I asked him to tell me why he felt so strongly about Jeanette.  "Bob, why are you so crazy about Jeanette?"   "She is so cute, and she likes me....I don't like it that Johnny Rohan is after her.  I want her all to myself....I want her to need me."  I asked him if he liked any other girl and he said yes.  "There is a girl at Clark named Bonnie Williams.  She is cuter than Jeanette and I think she likes me.  I am afraid to ask her to go steady..she might say no." I reminded Bob he had said the same things about Jeanette.  "Bob, do you know what possessive means?"   "I think so....doesn't it mean you want something all to yourself and no body else?"  I said "Yes, that was very good...you want to own something without fear of losing it and to keep from losing it, you impose all sorts of restrictions on that person so you will be safe from competition.  There is also something called control...you want to control everything.  This is caused by an inner fear of inferiority and the anger that produces....you have to demonstrate that you are the boss and no one better argue with that.  All of these emotions are really sicknesses which can be cured by knowing yourself, believing in yourself.  Then you won't have to prove anything to yourself or others."  Bob picked up a stick and stirred the coals.  A flurry of sparks went upwards and Bob said "I must have made them mad."  I laughed and suggested we go to bed.  It was chilly but not cold and both of us slept in our underwear.  After we had settled into our sleeping bags and closed the front flap. Bob got up again and poked his head out through the flap and took one more look at the starry sky.  He came back in and told me he had the strangest feeling when he looked up.  "I want my Mother"  He climbed back into his sleeping bag and there followed little exhanges...and it became more of a curiosity to see if the other one was still awake ..finally it came...I said something and there was no response.   (to be continued )